Today I must share with you A secret

I will speak in the most free terms I have yet to share in documentation.
From the horrors of my youth I became me.
Given the might, I made things right.
Mother Nature gifted me with a mind to think with, and with her mind I killed the body she gave me. With the body and the mind I now killed the life she slid me in to. I destroyed my past devils, I created myself. I am my own creation, I am something.

But no, I was not alone, I had a friend there. Late in the evening of July 4th, 2002 0r 2003, He was created. In the midst of a great friend and a powerful philosopher, created my angel. Under the shade of the giant oak tree I made my first promise and felt my first power. I was now under control of myself, the beginning of a new Journey, a Journey that would not bring my almost-certain demise. His name is Kurt Davis, and I want you to know him.

I will not share the specific details that pressurized my mind until it finished cooking, for that night was no different than many others. I had before seen myself fail miserably even before I started things. I was a very very sad disgusting individual, this night is only important because it was my LAST.

I will now describe the body I woke up in the next day, I knew it was not what I wanted, it was the first day I heard him whisper in my ear, it was the first communication Kurt made with me.

I woke up a pale, jiggly, flat top haired, scarred individual. My scars were my only possessions, the scars I inflicted to change in the past. Never once had I expected that a night of vacationing would change me. I was shit on the outside, and little did I know that my outsides were seeping into my brain.

My brain, in the times before, was evil. I hated humanity. I was ready to kill everyone, I simply had not the confidence to do so. Thus I believe is why depressed individuals may be controlled by hate in man directions, the overwhelming hate inwards destroys the confidence to attack the outside - dominate - world. I have no documentation of my old self, it seems my intellectual talents refused to develope before that time.

Die my children, Die

Suicide, an act of Choice. Written C. 2001

Original Document

An act which, despite its distaste to many people, is not to be judged.
The most notable of the outcomes is the death of the practitioner - however there are other things to consider.
It could be done to prove a point, to end personal suffering, or in other extreme circumstances....
Consider, for instance, if one had cancer and knew it to be both incurable and excruciatingly painful
- and to make things even simpler this person eighty four years of age - suicide would be justified and should not be looked down upon...
Many who commit suicide may look on their death as a sort of martyrdom (whether it be a delusion of grandeur or realistic is not my place to decide) and believe that it will prove a point. Then there are those who make what many consider to be a mistake and do it in a fit of passion or rage.
As I said earlier, though, it is an action that is not to be judged by the living (or in my mind, by anyone).
It is a matter of personal decision as to what is best for ther person considering it.
While many would say it is an act of selfishness because of the supposed depression it inflicts on others, one might also question what debt we carry to others?
Does meeting someone mean that I must live for their happiness?
While it is a selfish act in the truest sense of the phrase - an act carried out in self interest -
I would contend that this isn't something to condemn as our bashing of it would be in our own self interest.
It is an act of self-indulgent hypocrisy to require someone to live through their sadness because we want to limit our own.
Similarly, one who is considering the act should consider others.
Other than in the instance of proving a point, it should be done discreetly and not in an overly dramatic fashion so as not to cause others undue or excess pain.
As someone who has considered it many times in the past, I have thought it through very thoroughly, and while some may consider suicidal thoughts a sign of depression
I would like to note that it has always cheered me up in my moments of despair as it reminds me of my impermanence and that my troubles will all be over one day.
It has allowed me to cope. I speak, mind you, not only as the "melodramatic self-piteous emo goth freak" but also as someone who has been on the other end.


Most notably, one should place the perspective in the victim...
What is more selfish?
To Die and leave others,
Or for others to keep you from dying for themselves


On a long enough timeline the survival rate drops to Zero, A respectable choice is to feel nothing less than pure reason.
- Me

Why I can live and now... not cry.

The Buddhists say "Do not cling to things, because everything is impermanent"

everything
and everyone.

Dedicated to My Enemies - Otep

You have 7 more seconds to decipher you life before my tongue becomes a blade your brain a slice
I warned you before I'm addicted to war.
I was praying for Armageddon on the day I was born.

3 pounds, 3 ounces, 7 week premature.. perfectly flawed and perfectly impure,
see it was a night of lies, it was sick quick comprise, it was the devil in his eyes, it was innocence slithering down her thighs, it was...
it was his fucking fist into... her fucking side, and why?
because there was a baby, barely 3 months alive,
but I survived, too stubborn to cir cum to the dripping jaws of the dominate paradine...
I speak out of turn, I taught myself everything that I ever needed to learn; which is,
I don't have to be anything but me, napalm bright celebrating the burn, see im supposed to be weak and depleted my uniqueness erased and deleted,
im supposed to be a fist and bruise, nothing left inside and nothing left to loose,
they want me to be a breeder, not a thinker, not a leader.
A servant disciple to a desperate demented preacher, no voice no choice.
But I will fail them. I have no need for there acceptance, there limits, there lies,
I learned to hate from you... I am your most beloved blasphemous child..