I have a new lesson for I

I'm trapped in my mind
and my brain is a cell.
But I have a key,
It's called insanity,
I grace it with my brain
and unlock eternity

So I am in the midst of a terrible enviorment, my connections are broken and split from a series of cause-effect events. I do not believe I have done anything too wreckless to have caused this, but as usual, I am confronted with chronic bullshit. As though fate was fighting me, as though father time wanted my death, I feel as though the natural occurrence of things have been terribly unlikely and should I believe in an omnipotent force would make me very angry with the gods. Oh well, I have accepted all terrible events for what they are -- part of my life. I should not expect anything to remain stable anymore. I just must take care of my simple necessary interests and loosely hold onto the people and material wants around me.

In the past I have tried learning, justifying, and persuading myself to be outwardly violent. I have created a very impressive vessel, yet I slowly destroy it with every devastating blow to my mind. I no longer wish to be victim to my power, I want victims around me. I am dangerous, I look dangerous, I am just my only prey; I am a danger to myself. I should think that to ever understand the joy and power of outward expression, I should need to force it upon my self. I believe Lord Henry said it best:


Lord Henry "There is no such thing as a good influence, Mr. Gray. All influence is immoral.immoral from the
scientific point of view."

Dorian Gray "Why?"

Lord Henry "Because to influence a person is to give him one's own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there are such things as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of some one else's music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him. The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly. that is what each of us is here for. People are afraid of themselves, nowadays. They have forgotten the highest of all duties, the duty that one owes to one's self. Of course, they are charitable. They feed the hungry and clothe the beggar. But their own souls starve, and are naked. Courage has gone out of our race. Perhaps we never really had it. The terror of society, which is the basis of morals, the terror of God, which is the secret of religion.these are the two things that govern us. And yet."

The Might is Right

It has become entirely necessary to continue the developement of a philosophy to coexist with the newer decisions I am making. My life has always been run on a platform of philosophical justification for my actions and thoughts. This has proven to be extremely useful and effective when it could be employed with ease. This however this entails the major problem with deep philosophy -- One must be in an entirely stable mental enviorment in order to live in the world of philosophy. I have been plagued with emotional turmoil equally as severly as I have been gifted to learn Stoicism. Perhaps this suggests I have an underlying condition of chemical ineffeciancies. I still yet choose not to take medicines for such an condition in order to avoid their unecessary side effects.

This brings me to a newer way in confronting my Emotional plagues. I must ignore and avoid things as useless as emotional pangs. I simply must experience them, however, not let them change me. The might is Right, none shall change me, not even myself.



“The free man is born free, lives free, and dies free. He is (even though living in an
artificial civilization) above all laws, all constitutions, all theories of right and
wrong. He supports and defends them of course, as long as they suit his own end,
but if they don’t, then he annihilates them by the easiest and most direct method.”


"Every one who would be free must show his power. Unalterable remains the basis of
all earthly greatness. He who exalteth himself shall be exalted, and he who humbleth
himself shall be righteously trodden beneath the hoofs of the herd."


"Bravery includes every virtue -- humility, every crime."

- Ragnar Redbear.

Some interesting re-enforcement.

It sadly may be too late to correct the mistakes I have made thus far in my academic studies, However I must now focus on the present decisions I must make to secure my future. I must learn new things from the strong people in my life. It is time to employ the conservative selfish tactics that will exalt my own person and no one else. The statement 'The Might Is Right!' must now consume the primary ethic of my daily life. I shall make decisions that aide me and NO ONE ELSE I have failed thus far in so many conquests due to my negligence of what is required to succeed. No more shall I neglect myself for the favor of others. No one has given me any success, but instead have taught me lessons that more than often leave me in painful nostalgia.

I am my own Creation, I am something.
I am my own God, I am Everything.

I am also my own Victim, I am Cheated.

I against I

Today I want to create my dreams. I want to choose my future now and today I will document the new interests that keep me content.


I want to leave this place. I hate this building, I hate these people, I hate this opression. My mind does not belong here. I have no greater intelligence than my peers, however, I have become something they will never hope to even associate with. I am my own creation, I am something. I am not a biproduct of this social enviorment. When compared to them I am a monster of the mind. This perhaps is a selfish speculation, however I will never repeal what new respect and composition I have for myself. I must leave them and join new people who can teach me the lessns I will learn in life. I will discovery the Universities and I will discover the battlefields of the Private Military.

1. Leave Here
2. Attend Western
3. Attend UVA
4. Join up with SCG International Security
5. Never come back here again.

Plans In Security

Caraline has taught me so much in so little time. I have learned how to live for myself, I recreated myself in the 7 days I had planned to do so in. I now live, a newer version I the self I once was. I am not entirely stable in this new mind as of yet but I will continually involve myself in new conquests thus experiencing newer, greater things with myself. I was always correct, you are the only one that can save yourself; No one in the world cares. For me to live my doctrine and finally love myself however, I had to, and must continue to explore the phylosophical reasons for me to exist. As I have always, I sit and think in order to survive, I live to think. This girl though, this lesbian, has taught me a skill that I had never explored. While trapped in my depression, basic lifestyle functions had ceased to continue and I became far too involved in seemingly unproductive phylosophy in the midst of such black emotions.
I assure you she is of an amazing intelligence level. She has wit and slyness that would tempt the Satan himself. The most effeciant human I had ever met, even still am I learning of her techniques. Her past is riddled with odd occurances, though nothing as severe as to create a dent in the psyche. As far as I am aware, her only noticable childhood malacy is her parent's neglection of her as a daughter. Although her personality is very complex, her general attitudes and actions correspond with that of lovelessness, paturnally and maturnally. I had once hoped to show her platonic love that could fill in those empty spaces. She does not however, want such a thing from me.
Her swift and continuous lifestyle had kept me in awe for such a long time. during rebuilding however, I realized how useful and perfect this skill could be to me. It was suprisingly easy to incorporate her lifestyle into my own. I have learned this indespensible skill from her and I am finally raping the world to feel alive. I sincerely wish this would have been introduced to me sooner.
She has not however, learned what I am perfect at. I think deeply, far more than I reasonably should. She does not understand the perfect feeling of philosophy and perhaps never will unless she spends the time to learn why the world exists.

I must be able to let her go,
Love doesnt belong here,
just the lessons,
Dean was correct,
and so am I.

Fighting my Memory.

It is far too evident that I must attack my demon. A deseise at it exists, unlike my entities that live within me; Memory. I speak of memory as it exists for me -- poorly, pathetic, and growing far too sparse. I keep finding the notes I wrote myself, they are unsettling and very confusing.

Fighting my Memory.

It is far too evident that I must attack my demon. A deseise at it exists, unlike my entities that live within me; Memory. I speak of memory as it exists for me -- poorly, pathetic, and growing far too sparse. I keep finding the notes I wrote myself, they are unsettling and very confusing.

Today I must share with you A secret

I will speak in the most free terms I have yet to share in documentation.
From the horrors of my youth I became me.
Given the might, I made things right.
Mother Nature gifted me with a mind to think with, and with her mind I killed the body she gave me. With the body and the mind I now killed the life she slid me in to. I destroyed my past devils, I created myself. I am my own creation, I am something.

But no, I was not alone, I had a friend there. Late in the evening of July 4th, 2002 0r 2003, He was created. In the midst of a great friend and a powerful philosopher, created my angel. Under the shade of the giant oak tree I made my first promise and felt my first power. I was now under control of myself, the beginning of a new Journey, a Journey that would not bring my almost-certain demise. His name is Kurt Davis, and I want you to know him.

I will not share the specific details that pressurized my mind until it finished cooking, for that night was no different than many others. I had before seen myself fail miserably even before I started things. I was a very very sad disgusting individual, this night is only important because it was my LAST.

I will now describe the body I woke up in the next day, I knew it was not what I wanted, it was the first day I heard him whisper in my ear, it was the first communication Kurt made with me.

I woke up a pale, jiggly, flat top haired, scarred individual. My scars were my only possessions, the scars I inflicted to change in the past. Never once had I expected that a night of vacationing would change me. I was shit on the outside, and little did I know that my outsides were seeping into my brain.

My brain, in the times before, was evil. I hated humanity. I was ready to kill everyone, I simply had not the confidence to do so. Thus I believe is why depressed individuals may be controlled by hate in man directions, the overwhelming hate inwards destroys the confidence to attack the outside - dominate - world. I have no documentation of my old self, it seems my intellectual talents refused to develope before that time.

Die my children, Die

Suicide, an act of Choice. Written C. 2001

Original Document

An act which, despite its distaste to many people, is not to be judged.
The most notable of the outcomes is the death of the practitioner - however there are other things to consider.
It could be done to prove a point, to end personal suffering, or in other extreme circumstances....
Consider, for instance, if one had cancer and knew it to be both incurable and excruciatingly painful
- and to make things even simpler this person eighty four years of age - suicide would be justified and should not be looked down upon...
Many who commit suicide may look on their death as a sort of martyrdom (whether it be a delusion of grandeur or realistic is not my place to decide) and believe that it will prove a point. Then there are those who make what many consider to be a mistake and do it in a fit of passion or rage.
As I said earlier, though, it is an action that is not to be judged by the living (or in my mind, by anyone).
It is a matter of personal decision as to what is best for ther person considering it.
While many would say it is an act of selfishness because of the supposed depression it inflicts on others, one might also question what debt we carry to others?
Does meeting someone mean that I must live for their happiness?
While it is a selfish act in the truest sense of the phrase - an act carried out in self interest -
I would contend that this isn't something to condemn as our bashing of it would be in our own self interest.
It is an act of self-indulgent hypocrisy to require someone to live through their sadness because we want to limit our own.
Similarly, one who is considering the act should consider others.
Other than in the instance of proving a point, it should be done discreetly and not in an overly dramatic fashion so as not to cause others undue or excess pain.
As someone who has considered it many times in the past, I have thought it through very thoroughly, and while some may consider suicidal thoughts a sign of depression
I would like to note that it has always cheered me up in my moments of despair as it reminds me of my impermanence and that my troubles will all be over one day.
It has allowed me to cope. I speak, mind you, not only as the "melodramatic self-piteous emo goth freak" but also as someone who has been on the other end.


Most notably, one should place the perspective in the victim...
What is more selfish?
To Die and leave others,
Or for others to keep you from dying for themselves


On a long enough timeline the survival rate drops to Zero, A respectable choice is to feel nothing less than pure reason.
- Me

Why I can live and now... not cry.

The Buddhists say "Do not cling to things, because everything is impermanent"

everything
and everyone.

Dedicated to My Enemies - Otep

You have 7 more seconds to decipher you life before my tongue becomes a blade your brain a slice
I warned you before I'm addicted to war.
I was praying for Armageddon on the day I was born.

3 pounds, 3 ounces, 7 week premature.. perfectly flawed and perfectly impure,
see it was a night of lies, it was sick quick comprise, it was the devil in his eyes, it was innocence slithering down her thighs, it was...
it was his fucking fist into... her fucking side, and why?
because there was a baby, barely 3 months alive,
but I survived, too stubborn to cir cum to the dripping jaws of the dominate paradine...
I speak out of turn, I taught myself everything that I ever needed to learn; which is,
I don't have to be anything but me, napalm bright celebrating the burn, see im supposed to be weak and depleted my uniqueness erased and deleted,
im supposed to be a fist and bruise, nothing left inside and nothing left to loose,
they want me to be a breeder, not a thinker, not a leader.
A servant disciple to a desperate demented preacher, no voice no choice.
But I will fail them. I have no need for there acceptance, there limits, there lies,
I learned to hate from you... I am your most beloved blasphemous child..