So It's the end huh?

Well, 

I suppose this is the end..

I crashed a car, i swore I never would.. and I did. 

I really thought I had more to say. Things about my friends and my beloved.. things about my family and my life.. But I realize, in death, none of that matters, nothing has any appearent meaning, not even yourself. So I shall hopefully take the step none else could and complete my life this morning, or tonight. Perhaps I'll leave a will, idk though, I want the ones I care about to be happy with the things I have as I was with those things too... So maybe I'll take the time, I wont have a witness but I hope it's honored anyway. 

May the wind always be at your back

and the sun in your face,

and may the wings of destiny carry you aloft. 

I have a new lesson for I

I'm trapped in my mind
and my brain is a cell.
But I have a key,
It's called insanity,
I grace it with my brain
and unlock eternity

So I am in the midst of a terrible enviorment, my connections are broken and split from a series of cause-effect events. I do not believe I have done anything too wreckless to have caused this, but as usual, I am confronted with chronic bullshit. As though fate was fighting me, as though father time wanted my death, I feel as though the natural occurrence of things have been terribly unlikely and should I believe in an omnipotent force would make me very angry with the gods. Oh well, I have accepted all terrible events for what they are -- part of my life. I should not expect anything to remain stable anymore. I just must take care of my simple necessary interests and loosely hold onto the people and material wants around me.

In the past I have tried learning, justifying, and persuading myself to be outwardly violent. I have created a very impressive vessel, yet I slowly destroy it with every devastating blow to my mind. I no longer wish to be victim to my power, I want victims around me. I am dangerous, I look dangerous, I am just my only prey; I am a danger to myself. I should think that to ever understand the joy and power of outward expression, I should need to force it upon my self. I believe Lord Henry said it best:


Lord Henry "There is no such thing as a good influence, Mr. Gray. All influence is immoral.immoral from the
scientific point of view."

Dorian Gray "Why?"

Lord Henry "Because to influence a person is to give him one's own soul. He does not think his natural thoughts, or burn with his natural passions. His virtues are not real to him. His sins, if there are such things as sins, are borrowed. He becomes an echo of some one else's music, an actor of a part that has not been written for him. The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly. that is what each of us is here for. People are afraid of themselves, nowadays. They have forgotten the highest of all duties, the duty that one owes to one's self. Of course, they are charitable. They feed the hungry and clothe the beggar. But their own souls starve, and are naked. Courage has gone out of our race. Perhaps we never really had it. The terror of society, which is the basis of morals, the terror of God, which is the secret of religion.these are the two things that govern us. And yet."

The Might is Right

It has become entirely necessary to continue the developement of a philosophy to coexist with the newer decisions I am making. My life has always been run on a platform of philosophical justification for my actions and thoughts. This has proven to be extremely useful and effective when it could be employed with ease. This however this entails the major problem with deep philosophy -- One must be in an entirely stable mental enviorment in order to live in the world of philosophy. I have been plagued with emotional turmoil equally as severly as I have been gifted to learn Stoicism. Perhaps this suggests I have an underlying condition of chemical ineffeciancies. I still yet choose not to take medicines for such an condition in order to avoid their unecessary side effects.

This brings me to a newer way in confronting my Emotional plagues. I must ignore and avoid things as useless as emotional pangs. I simply must experience them, however, not let them change me. The might is Right, none shall change me, not even myself.



“The free man is born free, lives free, and dies free. He is (even though living in an
artificial civilization) above all laws, all constitutions, all theories of right and
wrong. He supports and defends them of course, as long as they suit his own end,
but if they don’t, then he annihilates them by the easiest and most direct method.”


"Every one who would be free must show his power. Unalterable remains the basis of
all earthly greatness. He who exalteth himself shall be exalted, and he who humbleth
himself shall be righteously trodden beneath the hoofs of the herd."


"Bravery includes every virtue -- humility, every crime."

- Ragnar Redbear.

Some interesting re-enforcement.

It sadly may be too late to correct the mistakes I have made thus far in my academic studies, However I must now focus on the present decisions I must make to secure my future. I must learn new things from the strong people in my life. It is time to employ the conservative selfish tactics that will exalt my own person and no one else. The statement 'The Might Is Right!' must now consume the primary ethic of my daily life. I shall make decisions that aide me and NO ONE ELSE I have failed thus far in so many conquests due to my negligence of what is required to succeed. No more shall I neglect myself for the favor of others. No one has given me any success, but instead have taught me lessons that more than often leave me in painful nostalgia.

I am my own Creation, I am something.
I am my own God, I am Everything.

I am also my own Victim, I am Cheated.

I against I

Today I want to create my dreams. I want to choose my future now and today I will document the new interests that keep me content.


I want to leave this place. I hate this building, I hate these people, I hate this opression. My mind does not belong here. I have no greater intelligence than my peers, however, I have become something they will never hope to even associate with. I am my own creation, I am something. I am not a biproduct of this social enviorment. When compared to them I am a monster of the mind. This perhaps is a selfish speculation, however I will never repeal what new respect and composition I have for myself. I must leave them and join new people who can teach me the lessns I will learn in life. I will discovery the Universities and I will discover the battlefields of the Private Military.

1. Leave Here
2. Attend Western
3. Attend UVA
4. Join up with SCG International Security
5. Never come back here again.

Plans In Security

Caraline has taught me so much in so little time. I have learned how to live for myself, I recreated myself in the 7 days I had planned to do so in. I now live, a newer version I the self I once was. I am not entirely stable in this new mind as of yet but I will continually involve myself in new conquests thus experiencing newer, greater things with myself. I was always correct, you are the only one that can save yourself; No one in the world cares. For me to live my doctrine and finally love myself however, I had to, and must continue to explore the phylosophical reasons for me to exist. As I have always, I sit and think in order to survive, I live to think. This girl though, this lesbian, has taught me a skill that I had never explored. While trapped in my depression, basic lifestyle functions had ceased to continue and I became far too involved in seemingly unproductive phylosophy in the midst of such black emotions.
I assure you she is of an amazing intelligence level. She has wit and slyness that would tempt the Satan himself. The most effeciant human I had ever met, even still am I learning of her techniques. Her past is riddled with odd occurances, though nothing as severe as to create a dent in the psyche. As far as I am aware, her only noticable childhood malacy is her parent's neglection of her as a daughter. Although her personality is very complex, her general attitudes and actions correspond with that of lovelessness, paturnally and maturnally. I had once hoped to show her platonic love that could fill in those empty spaces. She does not however, want such a thing from me.
Her swift and continuous lifestyle had kept me in awe for such a long time. during rebuilding however, I realized how useful and perfect this skill could be to me. It was suprisingly easy to incorporate her lifestyle into my own. I have learned this indespensible skill from her and I am finally raping the world to feel alive. I sincerely wish this would have been introduced to me sooner.
She has not however, learned what I am perfect at. I think deeply, far more than I reasonably should. She does not understand the perfect feeling of philosophy and perhaps never will unless she spends the time to learn why the world exists.

I must be able to let her go,
Love doesnt belong here,
just the lessons,
Dean was correct,
and so am I.

Fighting my Memory.

It is far too evident that I must attack my demon. A deseise at it exists, unlike my entities that live within me; Memory. I speak of memory as it exists for me -- poorly, pathetic, and growing far too sparse. I keep finding the notes I wrote myself, they are unsettling and very confusing.